Why do I attract the wrong men and how to deal with it? Jung's theory and the advice of a psychoanalyst
Falling in love, each of us considers himself the most fortunate woman, who got the best man. Then why do we marry lovers, and live with despots, choose the faithful, and we cry at night in a pillow from the endless betrayals, we seek help and support, but ourselves turn into dray horses? Is this what we dreamed about all our romantic youth, and did we really imagine the same woman's happiness? Of course not! But everyone around them just makes a helpless gesture and sighs: "C'est la vie! The peasant now grinded and transferred! Be happy that you do not let go of your hands! And in general, rejoice that he is! "But somehow not happy ..." It's a shame not to be loved, especially if you deserve it! "- we think. But do we deserve loving, caring, faithful, noble men? Yes. Then why are we attracting aggressors, ladies' men, swindlers, alcoholics or rapists into our lives?
The nature of the attraction of unworthy men
"Like attracted like!" - says one of the fundamental laws of the universe and argues an irrefutable regularity in psychology. All that we deny in ourselves with fury and with an onslaught, requires withdrawal and reflection. The Swiss psychologist Carl Jung defined that qualities incompatible with self-awareness and not accepted by the personality are being pushed deep into the shadow unconscious. That is, qualities that we stubbornly do not wish to recognize in ourselves (envy, cowardice, anger, selfishness, etc.), our subconscious hides in the "shadow" and we mistakenly believe that we have got rid of shameful and hateful cargo. However, such self-deception plays with us in a dangerous game, because unrecognized and rejected personal characteristics will require implementation, and in the outside world will come to us through other people. In the same way, we are also "mirrors" for our environment, accepting and reflecting the projections of their negative qualities, fears and desires. Thus, we "choose" and "choose" those people who are close to us in the inner, deep essence.
A nearby "bad" man will indicate which negative qualities we have pushed into the "shadow". For example, a woman who does not want to recognize her mercantile attitude and considers money as the basic masculine quality has the highest chances of meeting a man extremely tight and economical. Another, taking his own sacrifice for a benefactor, will necessarily find on his head an executioner, rapist or punisher who always appears where there is a "victim". The underworld of our unconscious haunts us everywhere and casts off the "shadow" (denial of one's self, lack of self-love, complexes, fears), forcing men to manifest all attributes that we hate and in every possible way suppress.
There is another law that brings with it problems - the law of the attracting opposites. It has the same consequences as the law of "similarity," but manifests itself when we attach too much importance to our advantages and categorically condemn men who do not have the same qualities. However, nature is wise, it always strives for harmony and balance. Therefore, for every intelligent woman there is a narrow-minded man, for every strong "woman" - a weak mattress, and for every industrious little bee-a slob-idler. Partners with the opposite system of values come to us, as some spiritual teachers, designed to teach us to recognize for themselves and for others the right to remain themselves. "Evil" male teachers will change for the better or even disappear from our lives as soon as we learn the lesson they brought.
Scenarios of development of relations based on
Being offended by a man who acts as an indicator and points to your inner complexes and contradictions, you only strengthen his position in relation to you. There is a stereotypical development of scenarios, in which a woman is supposed to struggle in every possible way with an unenviable fate through a fierce war with her negligent husband. But maybe it's worth digging deeper and consciously looking at the causes that are projected onto the surface in a mirror image. "Where is the dog buried?" And what are the true motives for the appearance of a "worthy" woman in the life of an "unworthy" man?
Scenario 1. The man is a tyrant
The lesson that a man carries with him, spreading his hands, most often indicates your inability to love yourself and allow yourself to be an imperfect wife, a woman, a mistress, etc. You feel guilty about everything and, by suppressing it, try in every way to earn mercy. And when the woman is an eternal victim, then the man turns into a tyrant, carrying out her own scenario, according to which the guilty must bear a fair punishment.
What to do?
Take the right to be right and become the mistress of your own life. Recognizing your imperfection, you take responsibility for what is happening in the surrounding reality and are not looking subconsciously, someone who will divide your life into "right / wrong". So, you stop needing pain, which will make you learn to respect yourself and build boundaries.
Scenario 2. The man is a womanizer
A lovable man who has trod the path "left" subconsciously demonstrates to you your self-esteemed self-esteem, and the excessive uncertainty in your own femininity. You may think that such a plain-fat woman as silly as you are unworthy of love, and unconsciously will push your beloved into the arms of beauties and clever women. By provoking a man for a love crime, you deeply in the heart expect that he will rush to your feet and will convince and prove that you are not better. But can he think so, even if you do not believe in it ?!
What to do?
Raise in your own eyes a self-esteem that falls below the skirting board. Arrange your appearance and wardrobe in order, attend self-development courses and sign up for dances raising women's energy. Learn to love yourself and accept the way God created you. Women with a strong female principle do not change!
Scenario 3: a Man is an alcoholic
The drinking man pours alcohol not so much on his weakness as on your assertiveness and exorbitant force in the fight against his dependence. The more you make an effort to drive out the "green snake" from your family, the more boring your husband's drinking bouts. In drinking, he demonstrates the male power of character, which you deny in him, but cultivate in yourself. To your strength of pressure: "You're a weakling! Not a man! Alcoholic! "He responds with the strength of male stubbornness:" I want and will drink! I'm a man! I decide! ».
What to do?
Loosen the grip, let the man not prove in this way, who is the man in the house, and for whom the force! Sincerely give him the role of the head of the family that is not peculiar to a woman. Let him make decisions, and you, as a wise wife, coordinate them in the right direction! And even if he does not immediately get "your way", be patient! It will take time for you to believe. Recognize your feminine weakness, in which the true power lies.
Scenario 4: Man is a loser
Unsuccessful, lazy and irresponsible men, as a rule, are attracted to their lives by women who are accustomed to dominate everything. Total control, leadership, criticism, training - the best assistants in the education of a man who will never want to take responsibility and solve financial issues. The inner fear of having a partner that you do not match pushes you toward devaluation of a nearby man. Suddenly they will take him away. And for a loser, no one pozaritsya, so subconsciously you are afraid to afford a successful and worthy of a better woman a man.
What to do?
Get out of the subconscious of your own uncertainty, irresponsibility, indecision. Recognize for them the right to be. And if you want a man with opposite qualities, you will first have to develop them in yourself. Otherwise, for what kind of merit should fate reward you with a prince with a white horse? Only like attracts like, and only a decent woman attracts a decent man.
Scenario 5: a Married man
Married men, who for some reason are not satisfied with their marital status, always deftly distinguish women in a crowd of "suitable" for a parallel relationship. Yes, maybe he's just a womanizer, but for some reason he chose you, not a woman who is deliberately looking for a non-free man. And no matter how much you show open protest, not this, so the next "zhenatik" again and again will knock on your door. The causes of such unhealthy "magnetism" may lie in inner insecurity or subconscious fear of developing promising relationships.
What to do?
Talk to yourself frankly! What is attractive for you unfree men? Experience, or perhaps the fact that they already need someone, means - tested and fit for the role of a husband? Or maybe, on the contrary, you do not need care and responsibility on behalf of "family" and you prefer hopelessly married men? In any case, you will first have to become free of the installations that forbid building relationships with a free man.
There are a lot of similar scenarios: a jealous man, a man-manipulator, a male child, a man-friend, etc. Causal relationships, causing their development, are individual. And yet it is for certain that the roots of evil come from rejecting one's own female nature, from dislike for oneself or from the inability to reserve the right to make a mistake. We are launching a self-destruction program when we are recruiting male responsibilities and energy of power. A man near such a "Hitler in a skirt" goes into drinking, binge or dependency. But even when the long-awaited "king" appears on the horizon, we run away, headlong, because we are afraid to admit that we are unable to match such an ideal companion. It is difficult for us to accept our imperfection. There is only one thing left: to recognize in oneself what is commonly called "cockroaches", and to stop senselessly spending precious energy. It should be redirected to a creative channel, using for the development of a harmonious personality, without which a decent woman is impossible. And, as is known, such certainly draws like!